When we say things like, "see you tomorrow at two o'clock" or "I'll be back in five minutes" we always assume that the passing of time will seem the same for each of us. If it's the dentist I'm seeing tomorrow at two I can guarantee that time will pass faster than if it's a good friend I haven't seen in ages. I've just read this interesting piece on the psychology of how we perceive time. I think here, I could really do with a clock like this. For me, right now, it seems like time is running away and standing still at the same time. It's hard to comprehend we have now been in hospital for nearly 6 weeks. Where on earth that time has gone I don't know. Yet, while it seems to have passed so fast it has dragged.
We are waiting for a detailed MRI scan to see what is going on in William's bowel. Because there is still some concern about some kind of a blockage as he has so much green bile in his stomach, it has been decided not to try any feed until we have this scan. The scan was booked several weeks ago and the date we got was 10 days on from the booking. This was supported to take place last Thursday but, on Wednesday, a week ago today, Wills became very sick with pneumonia, probably caused by aspirating the bile that is confusing us all so much with its presence from his stomach into his lungs. Instead of being in the scanner, he was fighting to stay out of intensive care. The scan was re-booked and will now take place this Friday - a whole week and a day later. To the team here, this is a shame but it's a week we are still working on the pneumonia with lots of IV antibiotics, antifungals and lots of physiotherapy. For Wills, it's a week of frustration where his precious play time seems to him to be stolen by all these extra treatments. For me, it feels like a week of time suspended away from home and the things I should be doing. Eight days seems a long time right now to be standing still. I've spent some of this time watching 'Orange is the New Black, 'a US series set in a women's prison so something I can relate to quite well after spending so many long hospitalisations before William's transplant living on the same ward with the same group of mums for month after month. I'll come back to this in a later blog. (Orange is the New Black is on Netflix and I strongly recommend it) I love the theme song to the show, 'You've Got Time' by the amazing Regina Spektor.
One line makes me stop and think every time I hear it;
"Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard."
It's so true for me. I like to keep moving, keep busy so I don't have to think too much. There is a lot of time when you're in hospital with a child. When I look back over the last six weeks it feels like a lot of that has been wasted. It's not always easy to make the most of every minute when things are stressful but I really need to be able to look back on this time when we are home again and life is back to a relative normality and see that I did something productive with it. That there was something concrete that I achieved. For me, I hope it will be substantial progress with my writing such as a large chunk of my novel drafted or a radio play drafted. Another long term mum here was talking about getting stuck into sewing projects. At times I've knitted scarves. I did try a jumper once but it's hard keeping track of where you are in the pattern when people come in to do something and you need to drop it suddenly.
Time is precious. You never get it back and you have to make the most of every moment of it, wherever life has thrown you to spend it.